I'm lexi and I suck. (not dick)

Turns out the only person you can rely on to have your back and fight your corner is yourself, but sometimes you can’t even manage that. 

Maybe I came in to work a little late yesterday. Maybe I was meant to be opening up at 7am and maybe when I got here it was closer to 8am. Maybe I don’t care because getting up at 5:30am so I can get a shitty train in the rain to purvey cancer to idiots is not my idea of fun.

I’m on my own here as well, so no one should ever have known. Except that some absolutely mental ass hat was stood waiting patiently to go on the sunbeds when I got here. Who wants a tan at that time in the morning? Who wants a tan ever? Who is in any sort of stable frame of mind at that hour? As far as I’m concerned, before 9am, all people should be capable of is grunting noises and messily ladling cereal into their yawning maws. It came as a huge shock to me that not only was someone alive, coherent and fully dressed at the time, but also had already done a full work out. All I can manage in the morning is putting my socks on, and that’s it, and that’s only maybe. I’ve certainly never managed a bra before about 10 o clock, because that shit is fiddly.

Anyway, the point is, this ass bag guy called my boss to ask when we’d be open. I didn’t know this at the time, otherwise I’d have locked him in the sunbed until he barbecued then I’d have eaten him to dispose of the body. And provide a filling lunch. But I didn’t know so I was relatively polite to him and went about my day.

Until 2pm when my boss dropped by to give me a dressing down. Now listen up spaff faces, because this is where I got clever. My boss asked what time I got in that morning. I looked him straight in the eyes, right in his beady little vision balls, and said ”Just after seven.” He told me that someone had called him at half past, complaining that the shop wasn’t open. I replied coldly, ”I was here.” He insisted that I couldn’t have been. I insisted that I was. I insisted loudly yet completely dead pan that I had been here. I swore on my mother, my father, every deity existent on this planer, any future children I might bear AND my pokemon card collection. I swore I was here. He backed down after that. I know he didn’t believe me, but there was nothing he could do when up against such absolute conviction. Also that was around the time that I pulled a gun on him.

Just kidding about the gun. But seriously, I decided to employ the same tactic that morons wield during arguments, which is just to say what you think louder and louder, with no foundation and scant regard for the logical points and evidence that the opponent is presenting. I don’t think it’s a tactic in their case though. They’re just morons.

Hello, I have been neglecting this poor old blog for a while so here is what’s been happening in my life.

• I went on a date. With a man. A live one. Go me.
• I slapped said date in the face with ham.
• I got a massive leccy bill which my whole weeks wages had to go on. I now begrudge having baths and turning on lights. Actually, lets be fair, I never bathed regularly anyway.
• Poppy showed me Museum Gardens, which I never knew was there before. Here is a picture of me enjoying it super lots.
• Watched the first episode of Game of Thrones on Thursday because I’d never seen it before and thought it might be worth a shot. I’ve now watched every episode (BLACKWATER, FUCK. THAT WAS SO GOOD THAT I SICKED ALL OVER MYSELF IN FEVERED EXCITEMENT) and I’m halfway through the first book and yes, I’m definitely about to order Game of Thrones coasters.
• I spilled green tea all over my crotch on the bus and it was full of hurts and not the good kind of hurts. Luckily I wear black all the time so it didn’t look like I’d wet myself.